Bust a move, lose your inhibition

December 22nd, 2004 by

My hand is trembling. I can’t help it, it just is. This cup of tea? Yeah, it hangs delicately in my hand, shaking briefly now and then. I can’t stand up straight right now either, a slight slouch that I hide by straightening my back extra hard. People look at me as I walk by, walking so straight up, my eyes slightly bloodshot, a slight frown on an otherwise dead serious face, my hair a mess. It’s always a mess. I don’t care, I never did.

I’m unreadable.

People try and talk to me, asking me serious questions. I respond to my best, a slight blur of a speech that I hope they don’t notice. My eyes are darting, too quickly it seems, the world shifting in slow motion though. I notice the life extra around me; the clean clean green leaves, that tiny speck on the monitor, that quiet hush of the faucet in the kitchen, the steam dancing ecstatically on its escape into air invisible. I see what you’ll never see and I remember it all now.

I feel like a superhero.

I’m fearless, I’m courageous, I’m invincible, I’m unbeatable, I’m impossible, I’m possible, I’m unattainable, I’m unbelievable, I’m incredible, I’m ingenious, I’m bling bling, I’m #42.
I’m emotionless.

I’m drunk.
On fatigue, on exhaustion, on caffeine.

There are times when I push myself this far, to just sit back and think like this, to walk like this, to talk like this, to experience this cliff of lack of inhibition. Sanity is sometimes like a giant pendulum in murky waters. Shake not the pendulum, shake not the jar and your vision will be fine. Drop in a pebble , mix in some other waters or swing swing swing your pendulum a little quick and-

I remember being drunk at Taco Bell at 3AM and Shahid was there with me Akds, and he laughed and laughed and laughed with me though I can’t remember what the hell I was saying, just him grinning at me and saying “So this is drunk Waleed, eh” and me telling him that he ain’t seen nothin’ yet bro. You were at home, down the alley next to Von’s, in that giant 4 bedroom apartment. Atif once played a Yusuf Estes video where kids were practicing adhaan and you shuffled out of your room, bleary eyed, stubble bearded, half-yawning half-not trying to get in line for an invisible salat and I was leaning on that constantly occupied kitchen counter where Shahid would keep his giant boxes of cereal or was that Atif I don’t know man, I think it was Shahid because he really wanted me to try some, try some Waleed, trust me you will love this stuff.

On and on. Till I passed out someplace dark dark, dark as my eyes, heavy heavy, heavy as my limbs, sweet sweet, sweet my sleep.

16 Responses to “Bust a move, lose your inhibition”

  1. Owl Says:

    I’ve never been drunk or high, but I imagine serious sleep-deprivation probably feels the same. It’s a feeling of weightlessness and weightyness, awareness and unawareness, a time of epiphany and gross stupidity. Though I can’t say I enjoy it, I still seem to reach that stage of fatigue every few weeks. Maybe just because I can.

  2. Abez Says:

    You’re lucky, when I reach the point of fatigue where everything is nonsense and I can nervously laugh about not being able to tell the time, the LAST thing I can do is sleep. I just keep going, feeling ill and crazy until I basically pass out and happen to have a bed nearby.

  3. chai Says:

    never experienced anything sweeter than sleep

  4. Waleed Says:

    Owl: There are different highs, different states of being drunk. It’s an intoxication that overloads your senses and your mind and after being up for so long, that’s almost what happens to you. I finally got some sleep.

    Abez: Last night, I was on my third wind. Utterly exhausted, I tried to sleep for almost 5 hours with no success. Unbelievable! Finally, at 2AM I went out to dinner with a friend and came home close to 4. That sleep, now that sleep was ecstasy.

    Chai: Right on. Except now I have to be up for my post fajr friday halaqa and am afraid to sleep. =)

  5. Anju Says:

    I wonder why you couldn’t sleep for those 5 hours.. something on your mind? hope all is well inshallah.

    as for long periods of sleep deprivation .. everytime prelims or finals came around, I went through something similar. The worst was this one time that I hadn’t sleep for about 2 days, running on caffeine and relying on the cold air to keep me awake. it was so bad that my hands started tingling .. scared the heck out of me. and it was an essay exam! now that was bad. writing for 2.5 hours with tingling hands from 2 sleepless days.

  6. chai Says:

    get this. this ramadan i had some major exams and during sahoor with the family i actually passed out over my plate. it’s a scary feeling but you’re too worried about making deadlines to care for your body’s needs. hope you get to rest up soon

  7. knicq Says:

    Weedu bro, this won’t by any chance be the morning when you caught me awake and we ended up talking for an hour and a half about the traumatized ant and the comatose elephant right? But then what would you remember, you were drowsy and said lots of other things I dare not repeat online….mwahahaha

  8. knicq Says:

    GREAT!!! It keeps eating my comments, which Abez says happens when the comments are too sweet, and when it does not, it experiences deja vu – TWICE!

    Bro, your commenting system is nuts – or sleepy – or both!

  9. knicq Says:

    Oh, and I almost forgot to mention – your writing rocks man. But then anyone who loves “Catch-22″ and reads it as many times as one reads Yousufi, ought to be able to write in this free flowing prose….

    *Looks at bully with renewed respect and awe*

  10. Abez Says:

    You get more than one wind? *looks gypped* Hmmph!

    I get one wind. When it runs out, my sails flap, empty. Everyone on the ship falls asleep. Or they go to the Islands of Java. Specifically, the House of Maxwell.

    (Ps: I’m running on crazy no-sleep mode right now, it’s 5:20 am and I just dropped Hemmie & Demi off at the Daewoo station. I would like to sleep but the sugar cookies say I can’t.)

  11. shaheen Says:

    yeah, I’m accustomed to this state of drunkenness that some say it’s now who I am. A silly drunken shaheen on drugs. Now that’s scary. This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. But it’s more like, this is your brain with sleep. This is your brain without sleep.

    All the best with whatever u’re busy with!

  12. ayan Says:

    pehla nasha, pehla khumar?
    to previous commenters – ive never met anynoe from blogs either – so nowyou can all put your minds at ease. well i guess thats a lie, since i know ahsan before blogging and have met him before that, and avari as well

  13. Anju Says:

    You need a place on your blog where people can leave random comments requesting updates.

    Like this:


  14. Abez Says:

    You know, I’m pretty sure there were two other posts here by akds. Where’d they go?

  15. noooodz Says:

    hey- is “waleed” the one and only “akds” of old-skool fame?!

  16. stuck on dial-up Says:

    While you’re re-designing the site, could you please make it so the comments open in their own window? My attention span thanks ye.

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