half past nomad

a reminder, led thoughts to words old.
and the following is an excerpt from Monday, April 17 2000:

old friends.
old advice.
current existence.
i miss my life. i wonder where it went. when did i change so much. i don’t know. those who know, are far. those who can help, aren’t here.
i still miss my life.

Looking over my old entries, hidden, I see consistently the same theme. A lost person, a nomad on the move restlessly, a search for a higher being and more.

We hear always, that we are our own worst critics. Last night, I was hushed up and told that I was indeed an intelligent and amazing person despite repeated self-protests; I don’t believe you, I’m far more ignorant then you think I am.
Alas.
Internal fears, external facades, we all look back at our past and wonder how much have we improved. The challenges, the tests, the people we accidentally screwed over, was it worth it after all? The rewards, the results, the hundreds of God’s mercies, were they deserving in the end? And have you learnt all that you should have by now? Rather instead, we see that we have not yet reached all our goals yet, that the stepping stones are where we still stand, and we’re still travelling. However-
-Immeasurable values we line up against our yard stick and pass self judgment. Last call for our gasping puff, whilst we shuffle stand against the wall for the shooting squad and their rifles.

In a never ending move to better ourselves, we have to screw up. I’ve screwed up. I’m sorry. I was wrong. So were you.
In a never ending ability to move on, we trudge forward, happy or otherwise. I’m trying to move on. Because I cannot afford to think of you anymore, I am but a poor poor man. Just like you.

Just me and you. Walou.

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 4th, 2003 at 5:40 pm and is filed under General Lee.